Feeling Our Family on Both Sides of the Veil

Andrew Alfred Zeyer

December 31, 2013

Finding Out

I never thought I’d be at this point in my life, as a mother, caregiver, wife, and parent. Saturday, December 28^th, 2013 on the couch at Mom and Dad’s was the last time I remember feeling our little guy move in my womb. What a great moment it was to feel him kick so hard and strong while sitting there with Mike around 11pm. I said, “Mike, you got to feel this!” I also knew then that I needed to get myself in bed because Hyrum was flying in from Virginia after being there with his family for Grandma Mason’s funeral. The kids were asleep and I went to bed, but didn’t feel much movement from our little guy beyond that point.

The next morning, Sunday, December 29^th, 2013 I woke up with my mind concentrating on getting the kids ready, the car loaded, and Hyrum picked up from the airport. I didn’t feel much going on either and thought that maybe with my concentration on other things our little baby was just asleep. The morning was hectic and I picked Hyrum up after a 2^nd delay from the airport. It felt so good to have him in the car with us again. It was great to everyone together and our family back on track to getting “back to normal” with the business of the holiday season, being at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and just wanting to get home.

The car ride home was very quiet. I didn’t feel any movement and thought that was a little bit strange. I kept pushing my stomach to see if he was just asleep and would wake up and kick back. I was still having Braxton hick’s contractions and thought things were still okay, but just quiet. We got home, did the regular bedtime routine and went to sleep ourselves. That night Aubrey woke up and I went to pick her up, give her a drink of water, and laid her back down for bed. As I crawled back into my bed I still did not feel any movement. (Up to this point, whenever I woke up to go to the bathroom in the night, or to get Owen or Aubrey back to sleep, I always felt our baby boy kick, move, and react to the wakefulness of my movements). This was unusual. I spent the rest of the night dreaming about stillborn births, how hard it would be to leave the hospital empty handed after a long delivery. I brought myself to tears almost with my thoughts. But, the morning came, I headed downstairs with Hyrum and ate a bowl of cereal with him before he headed off to work. I told him about my dreams and he agreed with me that it was just probably stress. But, I still had my doubts as me and the kids went about our day. We cleaned bathrooms, no movement, I felt our little guy’s heels poking through, pushed on them, and no kick back. At this point I really felt something wrong. I tried scratching my stomach, but still no movements or reactions.

By this point it was about mid-day and I needed to get ourselves in the car for my 34 week OBGYN visit. (I am so incredibly grateful, that I was sick the week prior to heading down to Mom and Dad’s for Christmas. My OBGYN appointment was initially at that time, but I had to cancel and reschedule. I decided it would be easier to have my appointment when we got back from Utah instead of Christmas eve, the day we headed down to Centerville.). I really did not want to head in to my appointment. I was so tired and thought the kids just needed a nap, But having not felt our little boy move inside of me I thought it would be best just to head in and have my stressful fears erased as soon as the sonogram was placed on my stomach.

The kids were well behaved, we got right in to see Dr. Lovelace’s nurse practitioner. She asked me how I was feeling and I mentioned that I hadn’t felt our baby move for a while. I told her about my dreams and concerns and that I just thought it was stressed induced. She said, “Well let’s check and see and then we can also do an ultra sound just in case to make sure everything was alright.” She had me hop up onto the bed, all the while Owen and Aubrey watched as she placed the sonogram on my stomach. Instantly with no sound I knew there was something wrong. She checked a few other places on my stomach and after the fourth try she said.  “Okay, let’s get you into the other room for an ultrasound.” I just lost it right them. I knew. I knew that there was no way we were going to see this little guy’s heart beating on the ultra sound. We headed to the other room, she quickly had the ultra sound going. We could see his profile, his little body cavity and no heart beating. My heart was broken! Oh what an overwhelming loss that just hits you so hard like a train. I cried so hard I couldn’t even breathe. Owen and Aubrey, were very quiet, mellow, and had no idea what was even happening. The nurse quickly got Dr. Love lace for his second viewing; he came right in and again confirmed no heart beating. He did look at the baby’s chest and cavity, which he felt there was something wrong with his liver. There was a mass that seemed unusual. He also mentioned that an autopsy would be good just to get a better answer. He also mentioned that this could be a chromosome issue, but that you never know and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. The nurse practitioner asked if Hyrum was in town and if she could give him a call. Dr. Lovelace then explained that the earlier the better for inducing labor and delivering our little guy. He mentioned that because my body was not ready for labor and delivery this could take a very long time, even up to 2 days. He suggested the next morning (Tuesday) to start labor and delivery.

We then headed back to the other room and waited for Hyrum. I called Hyrum and asked if he was close, he said he was just about there, and I quickly blurted out on the phone that there was no heartbeat. He came right in the door and just held me so tight. I couldn’t take it, how was this happening? He asked if there was any chance that the ultrasound was wrong, and I told him no. They did the sonogram and ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I knew then that my parents needed to get here as soon as possible as Hyrum’s parents were still in Virginia taking care of the arrangements for Grandma Mason’s funeral. I picked up the phone and called Mom and Dad, Dad picked up and I just lost it again, I said, “Dad I need you to get here as soon as you can.” He said, “Okay Allie, what’s wrong.” I told him I lost the baby, and he immediately started crying too and said how sorry he was. Mom was so helpful in being strong and said, “These things happen, it will all be okay, we can leave in an hour and be there by 8:30 or 9pm.”

We left the Dr.’s office and I headed back home with the kids while Hyrum finished his final appointments at work. On the way home the kids fell asleep, which was a great blessing, I knew I needed a quiet moment at home just to say a prayer and collect my thoughts. I pulled into our driveway and quietly slipped out of the car into our house. I unlocked the front door and immediately went to the family room and knelt in prayer. I prayed out loud to Heavenly Father telling Him that I just needed strength, I needed strength in the atonement and peace, and comfort—knowing only He could really grant this. I told Him out loud that I needed to feel Aunt Mae near, and as quickly as I asked I felt in my mind the words, “I’m here, I’m right here, Allie.” What a blessing to have a knowledge of the plan of salvation and that our family members are truly our guardian angels helping and supporting us from the other side. I asked and I received help. I then got up wiped away the tears and checked on Owen and Aubrey. They were slowly waking up from the car ride. We came in the house and played for a little bit. This was another huge blessing to have them carry on in their normal way so that I could carry on as well. It was a great distraction to have them play with their toys, fight, spill, make messes and just be in the normal every day part of life. I about lost it making a cheese toasty for them, but felt like I could handle things okay until Hyrum came home.

That night I cried hard several times, I remember talking with Debbie on the phone at the kitchen table, crying over the events that were to come and Aubrey came right over and gave me a hug. What a great moment it was to look into her face and have her look at me. Her eyes started to slowly tear up---she’s never seen her Mom this way before and I know she was trying to process what she was seeing. At this point I was fearful of what to expect heading into the hospital and preparing for labor and delivery. I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what our little baby would look like. I knew I did not want delivery to take 2-3 days. I knew I needed to contact Becca Moyes Neilson for advice as she went through a similar experience.

By this point Mom and Dad were close and as soon as they pulled into the driveway Owen and Aubrey were so excited to see them. Aubrey kept jumping up and down “Gwampa!, Gwampa!” Oh what relief having these two kiddos carry on as they usually do! It was a huge blessing knowing that Mom and Dad could be here taking care of them. We slowly got the kids in bed and then had quiet and calmness downstairs. Hyrum administered a Priesthood blessing for me, and the one thing that I remember most in the blessing is that I would have the knowledge and foresight to make decision that I never thought I would have to make. This hit me hard. I felt like this was exactly what I needed especially as I couldn’t even comprehend what to prepare for in the next 12 hrs and days. Dad then gave Hyrum a blessing and again the overwhelming sense of peace and calmness came. It’s interesting that amongst such uncertainty there can be peace. 

I then called Becca Moyes Neilson to get her perspective and just ask some advice as to what I could expect. Her situation, although similar, was still vastly different. She said she went into the hospital with frustration, anger, and feelings that this is not going to work. Her entire labor and delivery was 36 hrs. She said it wasn’t until the 2^nd day when her aunt came to visit, and who also gave birth to a stillborn baby, who told her that she is telling her body it’s not working and its reacting in that same manner. She said she needed to tell herself that things are working her body is doing what it’s supposed to do. Becca said that once she made this mental shift things progressed much more quickly. That was the best advice I think I could have asked for. Fear was replaced with strength. Uncertainly was replaced with a mindset that I could do this--I knew my body could, and I still had some power over it. I felt more at peace, and knew with each contraction I would tell myself that my body is doing what it’s supposed to, things are moving forward. I also knew that I wanted our little guy to come on the 31^st, and he did. All my babies thus far have been delivered on the last day of the month.

I slept very little that night. I was still having Braxton hicks contractions up to this point as well. We woke up at 5:30am and I just lost it again in our bathroom. Hyrum held me so tight in the dark and I just sobbed. How was I supposed to do this! I continued to get ready while tearing up and we slowly packed what was needed. The car ride over in the dark of the morning was quiet. Mom came with us and Hyrum held my hand tightly. It felt so good knowing he was right there. We checked into the hospital, again it was very quiet. We sat down to wait for the nurse and she came over in a very short amount of time and said, “Are you Allison?” I nodded yes, and she then said, “I’m going to take care of you.” Those word put me to tears and I was still fighting them back when we entered the labor and delivery room. Melissa, my nurse was so helpful. We headed into the bathroom and she immediately said, “I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t control the tears, I had to breathe hard through them. But I knew again, that everything would be okay, I was going to get through this and that I was going to have this happen quickly.

She got me comfortable and explained the process again, that they would give me a small pill to place under my tongue to start labor. My Braxton hicks contractions were still coming and I just wanted this to happen quickly. This was about 7am, I feel like from this point the contractions were coming every two minutes. The pain progressed as usual, and by 11:30 I was ready for an epidural. I got the epidural and it worked like a dream. With Aubrey, the epidural only worked on one side and I thought to myself I do not want to feel this. Another miracle, the epidural worked perfectly. As soon as the cool fluid filled my back and my legs felt a tingly warmth I was again calm and at peace. By this point I rested. At around 3:30 the Dr. came to check me, the only thing to help me induce labor was the tiny pill they placed under my tongue and with each contraction I told myself that my body was working, it was doing exactly what it was supposed to do, I was then dilated to a 6. Another blessing! This wasn’t’ going to take 2 days, he was coming, things were working, and what a great feeling that was. Also at this point, we need a name for our baby.

From the very beginning of this pregnancy Hyrum said he was going to name our baby boy, since I got to name Aubrey :) But we still didn’t have a name, nothing seemed to fit. He even looked through the complete listing of names from Uncle Dave’s MBA graduation program and had many circled that he liked. But we still didn’t have anything decided. The nursing staff even asked us if we had a name which I immediately looked to Hyrum and we nodded our heads “No.” Well, when Hyrum came back as I was dilated to a 6 and we didn’t know how quickly things would move forward he said he had a name. “How about Andrew Alfred Zeyer?” he said. I told him that was perfect. Hyrum picked Andrew and Alfred after Grandpa Zeyer.

After about an hour of waiting and no further dilation they hooked me up to Pitocin. The Dr. came in again to check me and broke my water somewhere between 6 and 7pm. When Dr. Lovelace broke my water there was no meconium, which meant there was no stress on the baby. What a relief! Again, another miracle. Things at that point progressed very quickly. The nurse explained that the baby comes very fast, and sometimes with only one push. I felt the pressure and after probably 15 minutes was ready to push. Everyone was getting ready, the Dr. told me to push. I did, and our baby’s head was out. I pushed twice more and he was completely delivered. I immediately started crying when I saw his face. He was perfect. He looked healthy, he looked strong, and just like a member of our family. I thought he looked just like Owen and Aubrey, his little features of his face were exactly like our families. The Dr. said he was perfect as well, no chromosome issues, and the reason for the loss was a very tight knot in the umbilical cord. The cord was also wrapped two times around his neck, which actually was the same in Owen’s case. But the knot in the cord was the reason for the demise. That again, was another huge miracle. I have no worry about having another baby, there is no question that we would need to have an autopsy, and he was perfect. What peace, and quiet, and calmness I felt even though my heart was broken, I was crying while straining to breathe, but I felt such assurance that he was fine, and no stress occurred on his little body. What a relief.

The nurses took care of me, while they took Andrew and swaddle him as well. When they placed him in my arms I just was overwhelmed. It felt so incredibly wonderful to hold him, to feel his little body tightly wrapped in the swaddling blankets, to rub his little back and rump knowing that this is what I felt moving inside me just a few short days ago. His hands were perfect, his tiny little chin, nose, and face were just like Owen and Aubrey’s. He was mine. What a tender moment, what a complete tender moment to know that this little spirit, was near and I could enjoy this. I was so worried what it would feel like not knowing what to expect and yet the moment was here and it felt so right. I was in tears straining to breathe but enveloped in peace and comfort just holding him. He looked like he was asleep. I just wanted that moment to last forever. The nursing staff and Dr. left Hyrum and I alone and told us to take as much time as we needed. I looked over his little hands, feet, and legs. Again, he was perfect.

I knew Mom wanted to hold him and I also knew that it would be nice to see Owen and Aubrey. Hyrum called Mom and Dad and told them to come to the hospital and to bring the kids. I also knew that I didn’t want Owen and Aubrey to see Andrew as it would be a very complex thing to try to explain and see for a 3 ½ year old and an almost two year old. When Mom and Dad came to the hospital we placed Andrew over by the infant crib and closed the curtain. When Owen and Aubrey came into the room it was like a breath of fresh air. Aubrey was completely unaware of what was happening, wanted to be in my lap and eat all of my crackers on the table next to me. Owen was a little more acute to what was happening and looked nervous, which Hyrum could sense and then asked if he wanted to go take a ride on the elevator. While this was all happening the nurse took Andrew to be washed and dressed in the onesies and blanket Debbie gave us for Christmas. This was another little miracle. I had nothing prepared for Andrew, I was so thankful Debbie gave us these gifts.

When the nurse brought Andrew back in the room he was wrapped up in the cozy snuggly blanket Debbie gave us and dressed in the brown stripped onesie. He looked so cozy and soft. She placed him back in my arms and what an overwhelming moment again to see my little boy wrapped up so well. He just looked so cute in the onesie and it just felt so much better to see him dressed this way. Holding him, I just wanted the moment to last forever. I had feelings like, if I just rub him he’ll wake up, if I just hold him close he’ll magically take a breath. It was so surreal, and still is surreal. At this moment in time, exactly one week later, its remarkable to think that I carried him, felt him move for 34 weeks, and in just one short week’s time we said goodbye.

 Hyrum and I just continued to have our quiet moments with Andrew. Hyrum held him and I told him I wanted to take a picture of him holding Andrew. To me sitting in the hospital bed and seeing Hyrum hold Andrew reminded me of when we first had Owen. Seeing Andrew’s little head, with all of his dark hair was the spitting image of Owen as a newborn. I said to Hyrum after taking the picture, “It just looks like he’s sleeping in your arms.” Hyrum agreed with tears in his eyes and said, “That’s what’s so hard.”

 These moments are difficult to describe, you feel such sorrow at the loss, yet magically you are lifted and feel peace, calmness, and an assurance that everything will be okay. With each time holding Andrew and loving him there also comes the moment when it feels right to move forward. After our time with him Hyrum and I were both ready for sleep. We were brought up to the 9^th floor for recovery and slept fairly well that night. I knew I wanted to see and hold Andrew again in the morning. In my patriarchal blessing I am promised that when the trails come the dark clouds will part, the sun will shine, and I will have the ability to move forward and accomplish the things which are required of me. It was in this light of the morning that I held Andrew again. The sun was shining through the window as the nurse placed his little body in my arms. He was cold, but it didn’t matter. Again, I was nervous for this moment. I knew that physical changes would have taken place. I knew he would be cold, but it is amazing how the overwhelming feeling of holding him, having his spirit so close to his little body, completely enveloped me. There was no fear. It was replaced with love, yearning, and peace. The complexity of emotions ran through me, tears fell again and I just wanted to hold him forever. I loved looking over his little hands, touching his sweet little chin and lightly feeling his dark hair. He was so perfect. As the moment came and slowly started to close I asked Hyrum if we could say a prayer together. We held hands, I held Andrew in my arms and Hyrum prayed. What a beautiful moment it was. It brought closure to the situation knowing this would be the last time that I would hold Andrew this way. The only thing that I really remember from Hyrum’s prayer was that he said, “We love thee Heavenly Father, and we love the Plan of Salvation.”

My testimony of the Plan of Salvation is more real now than it ever has been. I am more grateful in ways I cannot describe for a Savior who has made it physically possible for me, Hyrum, and our entire family to be with one another. It is through our savior Jesus Christ that I can see Andrew again, hold him, love him, and have all those blessing, rights, and privileges as a mother returned. I am in awe, words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for this remarkable gift. I know I will not even be able to comprehend it in its entirety, even after passing through the veil myself. But, I can feel it now and I know it is real.

Another moment I was fearful of was leaving the hospital empty handed. Hyrum suggested having Mom and Dad bring Owen and Aubrey to the hospital so we could leave together as a family. He was so right. It was wonderful having them there in the room. We were packed, ready to go, and Owen had more fun playing with the bed by pushing all the buttons than I think we care to remember. Aubrey just wanted to eat all my crackers again and drink my water. It was a happy moment. My fear was replaced with joy. Aubrey sat on my lap while we rode in the wheel chair, Owen wheeled my overnight suitcase and pretended he was magically opening the automatic doors, and we didn’t leave the hospital empty handed.

The recovery at home over the next few days went well, at lightning speed. Hard moments came and went, but with the love and help of our family, e-mails, texts, gifts, personal visits, an overwhelming outpouring of support truly lifted Hyrum and I in ways we could not comprehend. I feel like all of these hard moments, not knowing what to expect were stepping stones. The next steeping stone that I needed to face was preparing Andrew for his casket. Hyrum and I made arrangements to get things squared away on Saturday, January 4^th, 2014. We met with Sister Van Schoaik in Melba to pick a burial spot. I felt like I handled things pretty well, except when I had to write Andrew’s name and “Stillborn” for their records. At his moment everything came rushing back, I kept thinking I’m making decisions that I should not have to make. I never thought I would be at this point in my life, ever.

We finished with Sister Van Schoiak and headed over to Brent and Jane’s as they were just home from Virginia. We stepped in the front door and Hyrum immediately hugged his mom in the kitchen. I was so thankful they were home. It’s amazing that everything just feels better when family is close. Jane gave me a big hug and I just let it all out. It felt so much better having them home and near. Brent came in from the back bedroom and held us tight. It felt so good having them home. We talked about the plans for Monday’s service and then headed out the door to meet with Uncle Perry at the funeral chapel. The moment I was so scared of was coming closer. Again, I knew that I wanted to be the one to prepare Andrew and place him in the casket.

A day or two before this moment and being so scared of what to expect I had the thought come to my mind, that I was Andre’s mother, he was grateful for the time it took to carry his little body. I was his caretaker and it was right for me to continue to be his caretaker in this way. I just needed to accept the fact that natural things happen because of mortality. Still, the car ride over I was very nervous. My stomach felt uneasy, I didn’t know what to anticipate but I knew I wanted to be the one to swaddle him in a white blanket and know that he was exactly the way I would want him to be. Perry was so helpful. He sat with Hyrum and I and asked how we were doing. He explained a few things to us and then took us downstairs to dress Andrew. I was amazed at how comfortable the setting was. I guess I was anticipating walking into a room with cold metal tables or something, but we entered a room that looked just like a small quaint living room. Andrew’s little body was there and Hyrum stepped right up to place the white onesie on him. Perry helped, which was very supportive. I was taken aback by how calm Hyrum was, He jumped right in. I snapped the little onesie in place and then Hyrum picked Andrew up and laid him on the white receiving blanket. I wrapped him up and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Again, the hard moment was here, it wasn’t scary it was peaceful; it was right, and was exactly what I wanted to see --Andrew’s little body swaddled in fresh white linens. We placed a second white knitted blanket in the casket and I placed Andrew’s little body in. It was very reverent. Hyrum and I held each other tight, tears fell and the moment came when it felt right to move forward. We were about to go, when I asked Hyrum if we could say another prayer. Calling upon our Heavenly Father, feeling Andrew’s spirit near, while Hyrum physically held me tight was a miraculous feeling. It’s almost as if it enveloped every aspect of the plan of salvation in one small moment. I thanked Heavenly Father for trusting us. We said amen and closed the door. I felt so much peace knowing that Hyrum and I prepared Andrew together. It wasn’t scary, it was right, and I was so thankful for having the strength to make it through.

The little cemetery service was perfect. We kept things very simple and only had our parents and siblings there. Owen and Aubrey were with us as well and Owen kept asking if he could play. Oh how thankful I am for these little spirits who lift you and make you smile in times of deep sorrow. Hyrum did a magnificent job in speaking. I am amazed at him, and right now as I’m typing I’m crying because I am so thankful for his strength. I am so thankful for the loving husband he is, for loving me in my worst hours, for holding me, supporting me, taking care of me, and being there when I needed him most. He is such an example of strength. He is mine. Our relationship feels like it’s been lightning bolted back together. How thankful I am for our eternal family. When we left the cemetery I told Hyrum that I never would have imagined we’d be at this point. Looking back on the day we were married and stepped out of the temple doors I would not have believed it if someone would have told me we’d have a hard time getting pregnant, spend 8 years together as a couple before having Owen, that Aubrey would come as quickly as ever, and that we would have to send one of our children home before even meeting him personally. I would not be able to comprehend it. And even as I was mentioning this to Hyrum I thought I won’t even be able to comprehend what it will be like for us in the eternities. It will be great, and although I can’t picture it at this time, these small moments here when Heaven feels so close, I catch a glimpse. There will be more memories and experiences to share, but for now my heart is full. What a magnificent chapter of our lives.